Following up after positive national response to a plan to allow any relative, employer, or employee of a woman to murder an abortion provider to prevent the woman from having an abortion, legislators in the state of South Dakota have introduced a bill that they predict would end abortion in the state once and for all.

Representative Goldurn Beezus, sponsor of the bill, when asked for a comment released the following statement through his office:

“Abortion is a huge problem in American today. The ease with which women can get abortions simply means that for the majority of American women, abortion is the primary means of birth control they use, and all of those abortions are paid for by tax dollars. This is unacceptable. It goes against the laws of nature. Women were intended by God to be breeding vessels. Instead, liberal women lay awake at night planning pregnancies so they can abort, and they hold parties to celebrate each abortion their teenage daughters have. Most liberal women have dozens of abortions during their reproductive years, many at full term, killing sweet, innocent babies eager to become proud American patriots.

“Meanwhile, lazy, shiftless Hispanic, black, and Indian women refuse to use any form of birth control because the government won’t provide it to them for free, and Planned Parenthood pays them to have abortions at luxury resorts at the taxpayer’s expense.

“If God had wanted women to lead lives outside the home, he wouldn’t have made it so easy for men to knock them up when men are tempted beyond their ability to resist. These women should just keep their legs shut, as God intended.

“These women have been getting away with murder for decades, having sex without being caught by pregnancy and struck down by disease. They have managed to avoid lives of poverty raising their bastard kids while working and taking jobs away from white men. It’s time for somebody to do the right thing. Here in South Dakota we have morals. We’re going to make sure we end abortion in this lifetime.”

The bill would classify as “justifiable homicide” any murder of a woman who has had an abortion or might have one in the future. Owing to the difficulty a third party might have of determining whether she had had an abortion without access to the woman’s medical records, and the even harder task of predicting which women would be going to have one in the future, the exemption would apply in almost all cases, as anyone who sincerely believed that a woman had had an abortion or might have one in the future would be entirely justified in killing her on the spot.

An anonymous Republican Senator in Washington was quoted as saying, “I understood this might cause difficulties for some people at first, but I’m sure that the bill does not go far enough in ending taxpayer abortion financing.” When reminded that the bill is not about abortion financing, he admitted he hadn’t read it and wasn’t familiar with what was in it, but added, “I don’t need to read something to know what’s right.”

When asked how it would impact the future population of South Dakota if all women of reproductive age were murdered in retribution for assumed prior abortions or to prevent future ones, the person answering the phone in Rep. Goldurn’s office refused to identify himself and said they would have no further comments.